same ol', same ol'

I was listening to a 'new' album today- it's the worship band of the church that my senior pastor's daughter goes to. It was... well, not impressive! I mean, i'm not sure that our band could put something better out, so i'm not trying to say anythign like that.. (although vicki told me that she likes the sound of our band better) I'm just saying it was unimpressive.

They've got a mix of songs on there- some songs that they wrote (or i've never heard) and a number that I have heard before. Here lies the reason for this blog. I'm tired of bands and worship groups putting out songs again that have already been done. especially if that song has already been done really well! I was listening to a song on the way home from work today and i got frustrated- because it's a butchering of a GREAT song! the way the band did the song did NO justice to the song.

This album was along those same lines. They did "Did You Fell the Mountains Tremble" and although i know some people who've never liked that song, if it was originally done the way this band did, NO ONE would ever have liked the song!!! They also did a version of "I Am Free", a song done originally by desperation. And it was almost no different- they just did a replica of the original. This was the only song that was a duplicate on there that i could stand, really.

They did a version of "Amazing Grace" that sounded more like the singer was drunk while singing. And that is the way Vicki described it to me. I wouldn't have put it that harshly. But it was not so good. And if i hadn't seen the title of it, I would never have known what song "God of Wonders" was.

These are not all the songs, but i do not want to dwell too much on this particular album. See, this is an epidemic in Christian music now. There are bands who are doing everyone else's music. And it really boils down to seemingly every band trying to get their hand in the "worship rock" pot. Bands who have no business doing worship are doing it now- because it's popular, or because... i don't know why. But why are Newsboys doing worship albums? I had a friend tell me after doing a concert at camp, trying to explain to me how it qualified as worship, that there's nothing like listening to the kids worship to the song "Breakfast". But, wait, that song is not even WORSHIP! it talks about there's no breakfast in hell?

Worship is not supposed to be a brand of music, or a fad in music, or... anything like that. Worship is our heart connecting with God's! Worship is our heart giving honor and glory to God, in all we do! Worship is living our life serving God! it's not music, or a style. it's... not at all. So when it comes to using music in worship, it's not about the sound. So i'm not trying to be picky here. But this is not just us worshipping God, when we do an album, we're trying to help others, too. and redoing a song is saying we can do it better! sometimes we can, sometimes we can't.

The big thing? using our creativity to worship God is HUGE! And these bands and groups that just redo someone else's song? just not creative... just like the bands that do the same album over and over again, and just like the movie producers who are doing remakes and unplanned sequels to movies... just like the person who copies... just like.. the uncreative one... God is creative- and He put that in us. Don't squander it, waste it, or forget it!

Flashback Friday

Last friday, Rachel and i went to the drive-in. We're quite glad to have a drive-in close, with the double features, and this year they're playing good movies.

Last weekend and all this week, they've been doing the remake movie night. It was a double feature full of "fun" with "Herbie: Fully Loaded" and then "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". I'm glad we went to see the movies at the drive-in. Because we paid less to see both of them than to see one of them in the theater. And I can't imagine paying full price to see either movie. I didn't have a huge desire to see Herbie, anyway, but...

Just a few notes about the movie. First, Lindsey Lohan. What in the world is up with this girl? I have a sneaking suspicion that this girl who used to be cute and do good movies will end up doing movies that I wouldn't ever want to see and will likely be junkie. I mean, this girl is going the way of the anorexic. The girl needs to eat, get her red hair back and realize that people liked her better before.

The movie- well, it was... not impressive. Lindsey Lohan gets Herbie, and come to find out she used to do street racing. Well, her dad used to race, as did her grandfather, and her brother stinks at it. Long story short, she gets her wish to NASCAR race, but in a 63 bug?!?! And not only that, but this bug has the potential to ride the side and go upside down? She wins and gets showered with praise, but... isn't Herbie the car? and doesn't Herbie do the driving? So, technically, she doesn't win and isn't that good...

Then, the wonderful intermission. This was the best partof the night. Cuz i always remember this friend of mine, Anthony, who loved the part in "Grease" when you see the hot dog jump into the bun. That was the greatest part of the night.

The next movie was the snooze-fest. Not only is the original movie still great, but it's not that old. I like some of the songs in that one. The Umpa-Lumpa songs were much easier to follow. The songs in this one were different styles and harder to follow becasue the music was so loud sometimes. Just in general, this movie was not as good- a bit darker. Johnny Depp was... strange at the least. and... yeah.

All in all, a disapointing weekend. Don't bother seeing either of them- unless you want to waste your money, or want to see the last lindsey lohan movie when she was "cute". I wouldn't even feel inclined to rent them, either...

What ever happend to creativity, anyway? It used to be original ideas for movies were done year after year. this summer has been remakes of old movies, or shows (see Bad News Bears, Dukes of Hazzard- which has been recomended that any fan of the show not see it- by the guy who used to play Cooter in the show) and sequels (Batman Returns, Star Wars Episode III). The sequels were pretty good, the remakes- terrible so far!

Come on, people!! forget remakes, forget doing what's already been done... do something NEW!! Even television is getting old on the reality television and such. Great Simpsons episode in which they did a reality television Show. in order to spice it up, someone suggested something he'd seen on Television the night before. When they needed to spice it up again, and they needed "new" ideas, they were instructed to get our their personal televisons! Great commentary!

also note that i use the term television instead of TV. that's cuz tv is a nickname, and nicknames are for friends, and television is nobody's friend. that's it for me...

God's Will

I've been running through some thoughts recently, and these are some things that have been in me for a while. I just was talking with one of 'my' youth last night when we went out for wings and decided that I want to get this out.

A lot of people are looking for God's will. This guy I went for wings with, other kids his age getting ready for college, people in their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond... Does this question sound familiar? "what is God's will for my life?" Sounds like a legitimate question, and it seems that we hear that very often. We want to know what God's plans are for our lives, or what God wants us to do with our lives, or any number of things relating to that.

Well, I've got some troubling news. This is the WRONG question to ask. You see, the gospel is very outward focussed, with a view that looks outside of self and looks to Christ, and to others. This question, however, is inward focussed. It asks about MY life, MY goal, MY purpose. This is not central to the Gospel. Cental to the gospel is a focus beyond ourselves.

So the question we should ask is this: "what is God's will?" and then follow up with "how does my life fit in that?" It makes a world of difference! It means that our focus is on God and what He is doing, not what "I" can do for God. Because, apart from Him, we can't do anything. It changes decisions we make from "is this God's will for my life" to "will this help me fulfill God's will?" A very LARGE change.

It helps change every little decision we make from life-changing, earth-shattering, life-and-death to not as big of a deal. Not downplaying decisions here, they can be a big deal, but if you are concerned about getting God's 1 will correct and if you miss it, you're screwed, it would be pure paranoia trying to make that decision.

The truth is that God DOES have good plans for our lives, however, sometimes it's not as specific as we may think. If there is only one thing you can do and if you miss it, you're out of God's will, there's not much of a decision to make, is there? It seems like this line of thinking will lead us down the path to predestination more than free-will. And for some people, that's fine, but i'm still under the distinct impression that we have free-will and can make our decisions. And in that, it's like God allows us to choose among a number of good potentials.

I'm not talking black and white moral issues here as much as simply decisions we make daily. Whether or not I should cheat on a test leaves the obvious answer of no, i should not. But the question of where i should go to college? or take my next job? or? that's a bit more ambiguous. Seems easier if the Bible simply said "go to Penn State" or "take the higher paying job", but it doesn't. and with good reason- God allows us to choose.

The problem with understanding God's will as 1 decision you MUST make and everything else is wrong? well, very simple. what happens when you choose wrong? Do you have to go back and try all over again? or can you simply go from there? This leads to the divorces among Christians- people who think they made a mistake in discerning God's will and so they go back and try again. that's even LESS true to God's will. *Buzz*- Wrong. try again.

You see, discerning God's will is a lot easier than trying to figure out what it is for your life. God's will is clearly spelled out in the Bible. In short, His will is: that we would be transformed to be like Jesus, that we avail ourselves in the process of making disciples, and that all shall come to repentence. That's not as hard to figure out. And finding out how you can help, wher eyou fit, and such- that's a bit easier.

God's will for YOU is that you will be involed in pursuing His will in general.

today i'm feeling...

Today I am feeling... blue. Really blue. I love how colors can be used to describe how we're feeling. And even though i would LOVE to be able to find some other fun thing to say about feeling blue that doesnt' result in me potraying myself as feeling pretty depressed, I'm just not up to it today.

Why? well- just look at my recent posts. No, not the ones about baseball or the Red Sox- although losing 3 of 4 to the yankees does stink pretty bad... But I'm talking about what's going on in my life... the whole saying goodbye thing... It's pretty sad. And I haven't really thought about it too much, but... Most of my life, I've been saying goodbye. I've had a bunch of years in the middle that were relatively free of that, but when i became a teenager, began going to summer camp- it was goodbye at the end of the week to so many people... high school meant saying goodbye to friends who were graduating, until I myself was graduating and saying goodbye to seemingly everyone else...

College meant the same goodbye's, leading up to my own goodbye's. Getting a new job meant some new hellos, but i've been here for almost 16 months and i'm saying goodbye again... and just like the move here, it's most likely resulting in saying hello to something totally new...

I miss people. I miss friends in Maine whom i rarely ever see now, but somehow have managed to keep contact with. I miss them probably the most of all right now. I miss Luke, Josh, Josh, Seth, David, and more... it's like... I don't know.

and soon I will be missing people here, too- because church=life for me. For other people, it's just a matter of sunday, or a matter of something extra, but for me, this is ALL that i have around here. I'm helped by having Rachel's family, but beyond that, I've got nothing. NOTHING! It's been my life here now, so it's not like I've got something else around here like friends outside of church, or much of anything else...

Not only that, but I feel like an outsider to some of those groups of friends now. It feels like "ok, so you have higher aspirations than being in northern maine your whole life? well then you're out of the club..." I've never actually felt some people say that to me, but... I've always felt that there was gong to be more to my life- that there was more than the rural farming community in which i grew up. I can't say that i've felt like i'm better than that, but I've always felt destined for MORE than that... and i say that with no "pride" in my voice- i simply am stating that which i've felt, but for some reason, i get the feeling that because i'm pursuing more than that, i'm an outsider now...

Beyond missing people (which mystifies me- why am I missing them today of all days?), I also and blue because of struggling with feelings of inadequacy. I mean, I'm losing my job, and although it's got nothing to do with how well I'm doing, I still feel this- i've put my heart and soul into my work. I worked hard and tried to build things- and I'm seeing results! I'm seeing fruits of my labor, relationships and such. And here I am, feeling the BEST that I've ever felt about doing my job and I'm going to be cut loose.

That's disturbing. That bothers me. It really does a number on my psyche. Because now I've got this continual nagging in my mind that I can "outperform" even my own expectations, and yet... How would that feel? well, it doesn't feel good...

Today's gonna be a rough day, i can feel it...

just in case i live in a hole

I'm preparing to watch a baseball game this afternoon- watch the Sox play the (sp)ankees. It should be a good game. i'm looking forward to it. But just in case i'm an idiot- just in case i'm stupid, or just in case i've lived in a hole the past few years...

They decided to remind me of the "recent" history between the red sox and the yankees. i mean, i understand that there are people who still don't know about all this, but they are few and far between. and beyond that, the people who don't know would have changed the channel by then.

So those of us who are sports fans, will watch the game and are interested. We already know. It's history, some of it hurtful (still can't stand Aaron "bleeping" Boone), some of it historICAL (gotta love big Papi and Schill) and some of it just dang funny (like watching the fag {g}A{y}-Rod slapping at the ball like a fairy).

Point being this- does fox think I don't live on earth? I mean, cuz we all do, and those of us watching at this point now KNOW what happened- and either love or hate some or all of it! It seems like these guys are the real "idiots", not Johnny Damon (aka Jebus).

saying goodbye (part 2)

While i've been thinking about the current transition in my life, i begin to think on other stuff... transitions of other things. What other times in life are we asked to say goodbye to something, and how do we respond. I'm going to go over a few things that i've said goodbye to and reflect on them... Some of them are permanent, some of them are not, but most of them are simply things that i cannot do at this point in my life, but God may well allow for that opportunity later. Here they are:

• The place I grew up:

Although i certainly would not say that i'm never going to Maine again, I can safely say that i've said goodbye to that place for now. It is not a place that Rachel and I are going to be living. Unfortunately, there are not too many opportunities in my line of work there, and most of the churches there are not somewhere that i feel i could be at this stage of the game. Although it has been a few years since i've really lived there, it is time to say goodbye. moving out of the state for college sealed that doom... The hardest part of any goodbye transition, however, remains this-

• Friendships:

there are some timeless friendships in life. the friend whom you've known seemingly forever, and there is nothing that will ever keep you from being friends. That is not the norm, however. There are not many peopel that are going to be in your life, all your life. Sure, the emergence of quick communication like e-mail and IM have allowed us to keep better contact with those whom we'd probably not keep contact with otherwise, but eventually, e-mailing back and forth and IMing die.

And you're left with those few people whom you'll be closely connected to forever. And that's fine... For me, it's time to say goodbye to some of those friendships. Some have been gone for a while, and some i thought would be around forever, but- aparently not. Some are girls who've gotten married, and rather than make their husbands jealous, (or my wife), or make their lives confusing (or mine)- time to say goodbye. Some are friends whom i've been friends with for years, thought we'd be friends forever- thought we'd be in each other's weddings, best men, etc... Well, anyway- there are some more to say goodbye to... I've said goodbye to some friendships over the years- deleting IM names and e-mail addresses, forgetting about people and then only to be reminded of them later... But point being, i guess it's time to say goodbye to some of those, now, too- and some of those are right along with my first goodbye.

• My Band

Although I've not been officially kicked out of Seth's Mom, and I will always be one of the original members, me not getting to maine very often will keep my involvement to a minimum. I'm sure that they're playing at Nomacca this summer- and i'm sure they sound better than they've sounded before... It's funny for me, too, because i've always had that desire to be in a band. I've had the musical talent, and i felt gyped by some of my closer friends in high school when the formed a band and left me out. And i was so mad at them for a while, but, now, being in a band is something that matters very little to me... it's funny, tho, because it's only the band- the guys in the band, i'm not planning on saying goodbye to for a while...

• My childhood experiences

There are a number of places that were influential to me in my younger years, in my teenager years in particular. Namely camps. Nomacca and Riverside. I have not been to either of them for years, and the last time i was there, I felt disconnected in some ways because i did not know as many of the kids... I had been away at college, so i didn't know as many of them, but... I'm not saying i'll never be there again, but these camps are local camps, and so i'll leave those jobs to more consistent people than myself- because many of the same kids come year after year, and many of the counselors and other jobs are filled with people who at least somewhat know the kids...

This is one of the harder things to say goodbye to for me because of how big a place these camps have in my heart. The friendships built there, the fun times, the- everything, from being on staff to being a camper to doing retreats and making fun of canadians (and being friends with a few- and my friend James fell in love with one)... And i love about camp that you can still be young... maybe camp will be in my future again sometime, but for now... guess it's goodbye, huh?

Well, i'm not sure if i'm through or not, but those are a few things i've reflected on having said goodbye to... And now i want to add this- i know a lot of people who do not willingly say goodbye. They want to hang on to something for as long as they can, and kick and scream when it's time to let go. Sometimes it's easy to see when to say goodbye, and sometimes it's not- and that's more often when people don't let go- when they can't see it's time to say goodbye...

at the risk of using something from pop-culture (hehe), i like this take on it. this quote won't be accurate, but think of death and saying goodbye in the same terms... "be careful of attachments. Fear of death for someone close to you will lead you down the wrong path. Death is a part of life. Celebrate with those who pass on (or those you say goodbye to). Grieve them not. Mourn them not."- Yoda. the wisest of the wise. just watch what happens when you try to hang on too long- you end up like anakin, a whiny, sniveling little brat who betrays everyone that is current and good in his life to hang on to something that he must let go of... don't go down the road to the dark side... don't do the darth vader thing...

saying goodbye

This, in some ways, is a follow up to one of my first blogs. This is not the end for me, however, it is time to say goodbye.

Slightly under a week ago, the leadership team of my church met and made the hard decision that due to losing a significant portion of our weekly income (due to families leaving the church), I will have a job here only through the end of this month. My last day is August 1, for insurance purposes, and then i'm cut loose.

I guess i feel the need to reflect a few things. First, it's not my choice, so it's certainly a lot tougher than it would be had i been making the decision. I also think back to about 5 months ago, when i was fired, then given my last chance- for not living up to the expectations i had. I also, at that point, was accused of not having many people on my side.

I realize now that it would have been easier to leave then. Because, even though I know i had people on my side then, i have so many more now. It will be difficult because i know of one familiy that will likely leave the church because of this- simply because the sons have become close to me and the mom makes the decision of where to go to church based on her sons connection to people and the youth pastor there. Now that I have spent the past 5 months solidifying some of these relationships that were started before my first canning, well...

It's funny- it is talked about how lancaster county is very hard to break into- because of the mentality that those who were not born here are not from around here... well, people around here are making me feel more now than ever like i had broken in... some of them, anyway- i still feel as though some have never and will never accept me... But it's a tough spot to be in, regardless... and I will cherish this place and these people.

Some people will have a problem with this- as many have ALREADY expressed to me. And the reason for this is purely financial, but... what if a good friend of mine, whom the church has never seen a penny from, expressed that she thinks that this is wrong. what do i do then? I feel as though i shoudl point out to her that if the church was taking in more money, then it would be able to pay the bills, and sign paychecks as well, instead of just paying bills... I would love to point out to her that if she gave, it may be avoided... but her tithe would not pay my salary, and she's only among the many who do not give...

I also find myself feeling like i'm not a person as a pastor- i'm a means to an end. expendible. the leadership decides that in the best interest of the church, they must cut my salary... well, aren't i part of the church? and what about all the people in the church who have expressed that they think this wrong, or they're mad about it- i mean, i know financially the church will be better off, but what about all the people who are extremely bothered by it? there must be more to the well being of the church than just the money, right?

it makes me feel like a piece of meat- because i'm not a person in this case- i'm part of the church, but my well-being is not assured or looked after in this decision. being expendible for the sake of the "greater good" makes you feel... so... pointless...

moreover, leaving all these relationships behind- that's going to be extremely tough. The hardest part.

But i'm ready to leave- for a couple reasons. First is that i was expecting this, even though maybe not this soon. I had been searching already, and even though i think that only 1 month of losing money because of lack of giving is not enough time to guage whether or not they'll turn it around, i'm ready to go and willing to submit to the leadership.

Secondly, i'm ready to go because if i'm looking to be at a new youth pastor job, then i'm going to want to look now- it's a better time to look in the summer- lots of churches are looking for a youth pastor to start before the school year begins...

Thirdly- i'm ready to leave lancaster county- not that it hasn't been nice here, and i don't have friends or anything- but, it's a hard county to break into... i have kinda broken in, but there are LOTS of people who still haven't and won't accept me... and so, if rachel and i move on and out of here, at this point we're saying goodbye to life around here...

Finally- I'm ready to leave because, even though i know i have supportive people on the leadership team, the bottom line is this- my job has been on the line twice with the leadership now- and they have made the decision to can me- yup, you guessed it, twice! No matter how much anyone fought for me, the decision came, down, unanimously, to firing me- both times. So, even if the money magically appeared and i were allowed to stay, i'm not going to stick around again and wait for them to decide to can me again... just not happenin'.

i'd love to stick around for the people i love here, and the people who love me- and maybe i'd stick around through the end of my lease so i don't have to pay it out without an income, or something, but... it's hard to stay a place where you know, no matter how much support you have, the leadership team will eventually be willing to can you... it's just... not a good feeling.

i don't know if the leadership considered anything besides the financial in this decision, but it's hard to believe that they did because there are so many psychological and beyond impacts of rachel and i leave that could hurt the church more than not making ends meet... but, what's done is done, que sera sera...