saying goodbye

This, in some ways, is a follow up to one of my first blogs. This is not the end for me, however, it is time to say goodbye.

Slightly under a week ago, the leadership team of my church met and made the hard decision that due to losing a significant portion of our weekly income (due to families leaving the church), I will have a job here only through the end of this month. My last day is August 1, for insurance purposes, and then i'm cut loose.

I guess i feel the need to reflect a few things. First, it's not my choice, so it's certainly a lot tougher than it would be had i been making the decision. I also think back to about 5 months ago, when i was fired, then given my last chance- for not living up to the expectations i had. I also, at that point, was accused of not having many people on my side.

I realize now that it would have been easier to leave then. Because, even though I know i had people on my side then, i have so many more now. It will be difficult because i know of one familiy that will likely leave the church because of this- simply because the sons have become close to me and the mom makes the decision of where to go to church based on her sons connection to people and the youth pastor there. Now that I have spent the past 5 months solidifying some of these relationships that were started before my first canning, well...

It's funny- it is talked about how lancaster county is very hard to break into- because of the mentality that those who were not born here are not from around here... well, people around here are making me feel more now than ever like i had broken in... some of them, anyway- i still feel as though some have never and will never accept me... But it's a tough spot to be in, regardless... and I will cherish this place and these people.

Some people will have a problem with this- as many have ALREADY expressed to me. And the reason for this is purely financial, but... what if a good friend of mine, whom the church has never seen a penny from, expressed that she thinks that this is wrong. what do i do then? I feel as though i shoudl point out to her that if the church was taking in more money, then it would be able to pay the bills, and sign paychecks as well, instead of just paying bills... I would love to point out to her that if she gave, it may be avoided... but her tithe would not pay my salary, and she's only among the many who do not give...

I also find myself feeling like i'm not a person as a pastor- i'm a means to an end. expendible. the leadership decides that in the best interest of the church, they must cut my salary... well, aren't i part of the church? and what about all the people in the church who have expressed that they think this wrong, or they're mad about it- i mean, i know financially the church will be better off, but what about all the people who are extremely bothered by it? there must be more to the well being of the church than just the money, right?

it makes me feel like a piece of meat- because i'm not a person in this case- i'm part of the church, but my well-being is not assured or looked after in this decision. being expendible for the sake of the "greater good" makes you feel... so... pointless...

moreover, leaving all these relationships behind- that's going to be extremely tough. The hardest part.

But i'm ready to leave- for a couple reasons. First is that i was expecting this, even though maybe not this soon. I had been searching already, and even though i think that only 1 month of losing money because of lack of giving is not enough time to guage whether or not they'll turn it around, i'm ready to go and willing to submit to the leadership.

Secondly, i'm ready to go because if i'm looking to be at a new youth pastor job, then i'm going to want to look now- it's a better time to look in the summer- lots of churches are looking for a youth pastor to start before the school year begins...

Thirdly- i'm ready to leave lancaster county- not that it hasn't been nice here, and i don't have friends or anything- but, it's a hard county to break into... i have kinda broken in, but there are LOTS of people who still haven't and won't accept me... and so, if rachel and i move on and out of here, at this point we're saying goodbye to life around here...

Finally- I'm ready to leave because, even though i know i have supportive people on the leadership team, the bottom line is this- my job has been on the line twice with the leadership now- and they have made the decision to can me- yup, you guessed it, twice! No matter how much anyone fought for me, the decision came, down, unanimously, to firing me- both times. So, even if the money magically appeared and i were allowed to stay, i'm not going to stick around again and wait for them to decide to can me again... just not happenin'.

i'd love to stick around for the people i love here, and the people who love me- and maybe i'd stick around through the end of my lease so i don't have to pay it out without an income, or something, but... it's hard to stay a place where you know, no matter how much support you have, the leadership team will eventually be willing to can you... it's just... not a good feeling.

i don't know if the leadership considered anything besides the financial in this decision, but it's hard to believe that they did because there are so many psychological and beyond impacts of rachel and i leave that could hurt the church more than not making ends meet... but, what's done is done, que sera sera...