today i'm feeling...

Today I am feeling... blue. Really blue. I love how colors can be used to describe how we're feeling. And even though i would LOVE to be able to find some other fun thing to say about feeling blue that doesnt' result in me potraying myself as feeling pretty depressed, I'm just not up to it today.

Why? well- just look at my recent posts. No, not the ones about baseball or the Red Sox- although losing 3 of 4 to the yankees does stink pretty bad... But I'm talking about what's going on in my life... the whole saying goodbye thing... It's pretty sad. And I haven't really thought about it too much, but... Most of my life, I've been saying goodbye. I've had a bunch of years in the middle that were relatively free of that, but when i became a teenager, began going to summer camp- it was goodbye at the end of the week to so many people... high school meant saying goodbye to friends who were graduating, until I myself was graduating and saying goodbye to seemingly everyone else...

College meant the same goodbye's, leading up to my own goodbye's. Getting a new job meant some new hellos, but i've been here for almost 16 months and i'm saying goodbye again... and just like the move here, it's most likely resulting in saying hello to something totally new...

I miss people. I miss friends in Maine whom i rarely ever see now, but somehow have managed to keep contact with. I miss them probably the most of all right now. I miss Luke, Josh, Josh, Seth, David, and more... it's like... I don't know.

and soon I will be missing people here, too- because church=life for me. For other people, it's just a matter of sunday, or a matter of something extra, but for me, this is ALL that i have around here. I'm helped by having Rachel's family, but beyond that, I've got nothing. NOTHING! It's been my life here now, so it's not like I've got something else around here like friends outside of church, or much of anything else...

Not only that, but I feel like an outsider to some of those groups of friends now. It feels like "ok, so you have higher aspirations than being in northern maine your whole life? well then you're out of the club..." I've never actually felt some people say that to me, but... I've always felt that there was gong to be more to my life- that there was more than the rural farming community in which i grew up. I can't say that i've felt like i'm better than that, but I've always felt destined for MORE than that... and i say that with no "pride" in my voice- i simply am stating that which i've felt, but for some reason, i get the feeling that because i'm pursuing more than that, i'm an outsider now...

Beyond missing people (which mystifies me- why am I missing them today of all days?), I also and blue because of struggling with feelings of inadequacy. I mean, I'm losing my job, and although it's got nothing to do with how well I'm doing, I still feel this- i've put my heart and soul into my work. I worked hard and tried to build things- and I'm seeing results! I'm seeing fruits of my labor, relationships and such. And here I am, feeling the BEST that I've ever felt about doing my job and I'm going to be cut loose.

That's disturbing. That bothers me. It really does a number on my psyche. Because now I've got this continual nagging in my mind that I can "outperform" even my own expectations, and yet... How would that feel? well, it doesn't feel good...

Today's gonna be a rough day, i can feel it...