Pray for me

In case you can't tell, i'm struggling. I've been struggling, wresting with a few things. Not the least of which is what is Rachel's and my next step. But, I trust God is good. yes, I truly do trust that. Because good isn't always my definition, but God is good. and He asks that I trust in that, even when sometimes it appears otherwise.

No, what i'm really wrestling with here is people. I'm really struggling with a leadership team that VERY quickly tells a church that giving must increase or they will be forced to cut staff. I struggled hard with them deciding only one week later to cut me as staff. I know that even with myself and the other expendible staff person gone, they may not come even. But they did not cut her position then. She had been the most recent addition, and she was paid less than I. People assumed that she would be the first to go. But they were wrong, and I could have told them that. But no one thought to inform them that my job was going to be first on the chopping block.

I struggle with the fact that it has been two months since I was cut and she is still working away there, even though my last month there, the church broke even and since i've been gone, they've come out losing. Weekly. I do not doubt the honesty of the reason for my dismissal being funds. But I do believe that there was something else that either consciously, or subconsciously affected their decision.

I struggle with the fact that the leadership claimed this was in the best interest of the church, yet, the only positive that can be found is in the finances, which are still struggling. It is not beneficial to the church to have volunteers leading the three ministries I did. It is not beneficial to the teens to have ANOTHER leader to have to try to get to know and trust- especially since some will not try. It is not beneficial for the church to have people in the church mistrusting the leadership team and telling others that they think that the church was not honest or right in cutting me. It is not beneficial for the sheep, when they are in disarray, to lose one of their shepherds. It is not beneficial to the church that one of the volunteer leaders to fill my place is part of what many felt was the problem in the young adult ministry. And it's not beneficial that he is now leading an exclusive small group for few while the rest of the young adults are unable to be a part, and have nothing offered for them. See, small groups only work if you have them for any who want to be a part.

I struggle. I wrestle. I struggled every time i saw a member of the leadership team to not feel betrayed by them, who claimed to be behind me. I struggle even now to not feel betrayed by them. I struggle with the fact that they claimed to be on my side, they claimed to back me, but when push came to shove, twice they unanimously canned me.

I struggle with the fact that they make decisions for the whole church, but I do not think they're too connected to the people. The two young adults on the team are part of the "old crew" that new people feel on the outside of. The other man on the team has a family, but has not been involved in church life much. His connection was that his son was in the youth group. And the woman, although I believe she's truly tuned to God and is a very Godly woman, also was not too connected to some people in the church. yet, they make decisions for the good of the church. I struggle with the fact that I believe, had they been better connected to people in the church, that I believe they would have realized that downsizing me was only going to positively affect the finances, but was going to negatively affect much more. And I struggle with trying to keep a high view of the church at this point in time. I do, and I wish the best for them.

I struggle not to get bitter, although I can say that I do not feel bitter (these feelings are not resentment, or bitterness- they are my observation. I do feel betrayed maybe, but i'm not bitter about losing my job because i would not take it back if they offered it to me). I struggle, mostly, with what the next step is. They may have felt that I could find something easily. I haven't. They may have felt it would not be long- it's been too long. They may have felt that there would be no problem with me pursuing my calling beyond New Hope. But I have had problems... And this causes me to struggle. I was ready to leave because it was obvious that the leadership didn't want me there, but I wasn't ready to leave the people, who made me feel even more that they were not happy with my leaving. And I struggle because I cannot help but feel that their decision was wrong...

But mostly, I struggle with how do i fulfill my calling when i'm not even where I feel I'm called to be. Pray for me... I do not hold resentment toward my former leadership team, although I feel they were in error in their thinking. But I do struggle for the life of the church. And I struggle to know what the next step is.

maybe it's time for me to stop struggling and wrestling... maybe it's time for me to let go... maybe it's time...