Pray for me (part II)

I seem to be on a kick for sequels...

Please pray for me- I need it. I am in a place that's new for me. A place that I knew no one before moving hee. It's a place similar to my first job out of college, except that then I was close to people I knew- now, not so much. I'm not... lonely, or homesick or anything. I just am asking for prayer, and that's a good place to start, i guess. Pray that I won't become those things.

Pray for me because i'm doing a youth ministry/worhsip ministry job (which could make full time) currently part-time. I could easily put in LOTS of time doing many things- particularly since both of my positions have been more or less unfilled before I arrived. Or at least, were manned by people with standards for excellence that are different from mine (not to sound proud here... ex- organization of music- I have a system that makes music look uniform and keeps it well organized. Before I got here, it was just all kinda thrown together, kind of organized and music that was printed from wherever, sometimes just blatantly wrong, and all pieces looking different from the other pieces of music). Pray for me, please.

Pray for me because i'm scared. My last position, while I treasure it, had it's moments of rough spots. That is leading me to expect similar things here. I'm afraid that I'll be less than a year into the job and get accused of not having close connections/relationships with the students. I'm afraid that I'll be less than a year in and have my leadership decide that they don't care if I stay or go, but every one of them have a different reason that I'm not meeting his or her expectations. I'm frightened by the prospect of feeling that those who should be my biggest supporters are the quickest to call for my job when things go south for the whole church. And those who claimed to be my biggest supporters. I'm afraid that I will not be given adequate time to do a work that requires lots of time! If the teenagers aren't "loyal to me" or "on my side" in 8 months, that's not because I'm not doing anything. It's because that expectation takes TIME. I'm afraid I won't have that time.

This fear may not be founded- and it's not because I expect that will happen with this group of people, but then again- I didn't expect it at New Hope, either! I understand that there were reasons why my position was cut- and it had a lot to do with finances, but... I was burned by other experiences- and the aftermath of the last experience. Unfortunately, that leaves me in a tough spot. It's like after a break up in a relationship- the person who didn't do the breaking up (in particular) is not necessarily ready to trust too quickly. Healing is required. And while I may WANT to trust, it's hard to. Because, everywhere I go- people are human. I can trust God because I've NEVER been let down by God. God has ALWAYS been faithful! But people- even those closest to me... I don't want to expect the worst from them, but let's be honest, no one is perfect. I've let others down in the past.

I'm also afraid that I'll work my butt off and find myself not any closer in a year to where I want to be. And beyond that, I KNOW I'm inadequate to do this job. Learned that last time- I had little leaning/dependence on Jesus for anything. I did a LOT of stuff in my natural person- in some ways becasue i felt that was the way of the people who were my leadership team- I felt like decisions were made with little spiritual insight, but primarily due to how things looked naturally. And I operated in large part out of that (though not completely). But here, I'm realizing more and more that dependence on me will leave me feeling as empty, poured out and dry as I was when I left New Hope. I felt completely empty, as though I'd poured out all of me and not been refilled (and I had a personal spiritual retreat a month before I left- so I was REALLY dry). And I can't be there now- not while the only support system I have nearby is Rachel.

So pray for me- because i feel like these fears/inhibitions and others maybe shouldn't be here. I felt before we moved out here, a peace about this move. I felt like it was God's plan, God's timing! And He's been more than faithful to us all along the way for this trip (and every other step I've taken). There's no reason for me to be feeling these things except for remebrances from the past. God has not changed His mind about me being here, and we haven't been here long enough that it's time to move on! I do not doubt that I belong here- because if this is where God was leading me a month ago, it's where I'm supposed to be now! But I have all these questions/fears about being here- that are unfounded and probably not right to give time to. Pray for me, please... if you will.