a few refelctions on being "home"

I am now in the state that I called home for more than 6 years of my life. 4 years at college and another 2 not more than an hour from college when I was at my first ministerial position. There have been a lot of things going through my head as these past few days have progressed- particularly as we joined New Hope Christian Fellowship Wednesday night- and I’m going to process them here. Some thoughts are more refined than others- and most have been bounced back and forth between Rachel and myself.

We walked into church for the holy week service, we were warmly greeted by almost everyone in the room- some of them surprised- but all of them seemed glad to have us there. A little reflection left me thinking- this is the first time in a year and a half that I’ve come to church and felt that people actually cared that I was there. And not only that, but feeling that the people who are there actually care about Rachel and I. In other words, it was the first time we had felt at home in a church in that time.

That’s kind of sad. I know that some of the people cared that we were at Grace and cared for us there. But there were not many, and most of them were teenagers, who, as much as I love them, are not very good at showing gratitude. Not our group specifically, but teenagers in general. They do not show appreciation much, so as much as I knew the cared that we were there, they did not often express that.

We also listened to some good preaching. We listened to sermons from Doug at New Hope as we drove across the country, and it was nice to hear him share a little at the service. It was not laden with nonsensical references or with a “hook” that often had little to do with the message. He was not even “preaching” per se, but he shared with us a good word regarding footwashing in particular. I noted the following to remember. Hearing Doug preach, I feel confident in my faith and, for lack of a better word, “proud” of being a Christian. Hearing my last senior pastor preach almost always made me feel ashamed of being a Christian. I felt completely edified by Doug and the way he lifts up the Body, even when chastising them, using words to encourage them and spur them on to do better. my last church, I felt belittled, berated and torn down- almost trying to tell us how terrible we are in order for us to do better. similar to the way a coach will tell his athletes they are nothing to try and get more from them... except that doesn't work all that often.

Another random reflection- for as spiritually dry as I have been for this time since going to Oregon, I realized that I can fake pretty well. There will always be tell-tale symptoms, and of course, I never fooled myself or God, but after a certain point of pouring out, I had nothing left in the tank and was not being fed replenishment. I went from ministering out of overflow to ministering out of habit. And my faith and life became very dry and cracked. And yet, I kept the face up and did not let us because I was a pastor, and I already had felt as though my senior pastor, instead of encouraging me, would belittle me.