the big Five-Oh

yup, that's right- according to blogger, this is my fiftieth post (or 50th for those of you who prefer the numerical). I kinda feel like Strong Bad must have when he did his 50th e-mail. except there is no party with mine, and no 50 e-mails to respond to. it would be cool to get 50 comments, tho...

however, that seems quite unlikely. i'm just reflecting a little now... I'm a man without a home. I am leaving where I have been for the past week and a half today- northern maine. the place where i grew up, the place I called home for more than 20 years of my life, and the place where my mom still lives, and my family still inhabits. I have dozens of friends up here, lots of people whom i could continue building solid friendships and relationships. I have a church up here that I could call home, a ministry i could be involved in, and confidants in whom i could trust and confide.

yet, it is not home for me. It's not where i belong, and thoough I may like being here, it's simply not my home.

I am on my way back down to Pennsylvania- to an area where my wife's family lives, and to an area i've lived for the past year an a half of my life. I had called it home once, but no longer. I had laid my head not more than an hour away from this place for 4 and a half years of my life, in college, and in the job hunting stage thereafter, but it was never really home. however, i have again, a church i could go to, lots of friends, people who love me, ministry i could be involved in... etc, etc.. and again, it is not home. i do not belong... i'm simply passing through, and this time it is even more evident.

I leave in a week and a half to go to Oregon. Medford, to be exact. I have been there once, have accepted a part-time job out there and rachel and I are on our way. shortly. The funny thing is, it will take a while to call this place home. I have no more friends there than I was able to meet in a weekend- mostly acquaintances at that... I have a church to be involved in, but my first experiences there will be jumping in and leading stuff. I look forward to building relationships, and look forward to making it my home, but it's hard to call it that now- not with having not yet lived there, and not been there very long...

So where is home? i don't know- i only have a place to rest my head. Rachel and I both. And not that I compare myself to Jesus, but... didn't Jesus have no place to call His home when He was here? maybe it's cuz this place, any place we may be isn't our home... We're just passing through...

maybe... but that doesn't mean we don't take care of it, or we don't care about people... it simply means that we do not become too attached to any of it... i guess it's hard for me to feel attachment to places... now it is, anyway...

the black (from last post)

so the black from "Back (in black)"- it's the traditional mourning of black- i was here earlier than my original anticipation (the week of thanksgiving) for a reason. Sure, it will allow me to spend time with people who i know will be gone when i'd have been here for thanksgiving, sure it allows rachel and i to spend thanksgiving with her folks and familiy before we move to oregon, and still gives us time with my family and friends in maine.

but the real reason i flew up here by myself on thursday was becasue of my grandfather. He was dying and i felt the need to be here- it has been a year since i've seen he or my grandmother- he was not doing well and couldn't make it to my wedding, which i know he was not happy about. he has always loved my brothers and i, and although getting older, i remembered more of his old farmer personality traits, the last few years i have seen a total turnaround in him.

and i wanted to get here to see him- to talk to him, to share with him- to let him know that i really do love him. and i got to do that thursday. and friday morning, before i could make it over to the farm, he died. But i got those hours with him on thursday, and i got to just talk to him. in a way, i was telling him with more than words that i truly do love him.

had i driven up on thursday as some had suggested i do, and let rachel fly up here later (which she's driving up in a few days)- i would likely have not made it over. or would have been too exhausted to spend good quality time there. i would have driven all day thursday and been exhausted. I have strayed away from talking about God in things that seem to be the natural way of the world more recently- not because I don't believe God is working, but more because i was working with a man who doesn't try to see God controlling everything- that is, God, while is in control, is not manipulating every little aspect of life... But i am not there... I experienced it... I do not fall in that camp, at least, not to the extent i did, and he does...

i honestly believe that God worked in my ability to get a low fare on the plane, having a friend who was able to pick me up at the airport, and other circumstances, which could be chalked up to normal life things, to allow me to come here and be here for my grandfather. Sure, i could have made it for the viewing and service, or the graveside service, but... that would have been for me and for the family- i got to get here for gramp. because he enjoyed having me here with him. i can tell...

and now, mourning like one with hope, i am hopeful and have faith in his destiny, in his life that will no longer have cancer, heart disease, dentures and more... I am not sad, save for those of us who are left who now live without that friend, confidant, listener, and one who is wise, one who loves- we are deprived now, not he- for he is no longer privy to pain or disease. we are the ones who no longer have him... but my joy comes from a deeper source... A God who would work in the circumstances of life to bring me home at just the right time... my joy is made complete in Him, and knowing that gramp is with him, maybe even driving his little 4-wheeler around somewhere- hehe ;-)

Back (in black)

I'm back... in Maine. have missed this place- and Rachel has seen (and heard) my desire to be back here for at least a little while... i may still not be called here, but enjoy the time that i get here- and it's not often enough... i'm not happy with the reason i am here earlier than expected, but... and thank you to Luke for picking me up at the airport- it was nice of him to "take time off" from work to meet me there. hehehe...

anyway- i feel good about being here, although i miss rachel dearly and can't wait for her to come... just about everything has a feeling of nostalgia to it right now- including waking up at 6 am and heading out to the hunter's breakfast... mmm... good food.

feels good to be "home" and i'm sure the time will likely not be long enough that i am here... hope to see those of you here, and hope to spend some good time with you... and i may be inspired enough to continue blogging...

say what?

I have two comments to make...

First of all- Pat Robertson- why in the world is this guy the spokesman for christianity in America? on the other hand- don't we love how the news media twists things? I'm not saying that Pat Robertson's comments about the Dover, PA school district stuff was good, but the headlines for the news just twist it. Robertson even said that "I'm not saying there's going to be any disaster, but if there is..." and then went on. But the headlines- "Robertson warns Dover, PA of God's wrath"- say what? He said don't call on God when you're in trouble, he didn't say God's gonna give you all the trouble you can handle!!! but then again, i mentioned i don't agree with him, either- the God i serve- He's not vindictive! He may have been "voted out" as though life were an episode of survivor and God was one of the contestants with us, but... (by the way- i think they should try to vote out the host of the show sometime- wouldn't that be a great twist?) God is not now going to be spiteful and say "I hate you, will never help you and have fun in h-e-double hockey sticks (because God never swears)". so i'm very unhappy about both sides on this...

now on the sides of the idiots who want to stir controversy. I read the 4 paragraph statement that is read about intelligent design. and one of the paragraphs is only a sentence. I actually don't think there's anything not politically correct about it. Because it says plainly that evolution is not the only accepted view (which liberals should love because saying evolution is the only correct view is narrow minded and judgemental of those who believe otherwise- a big no no), but does not say God created everything. it states that there is another view, known as intelligent design- and you can find out more about it by reading a certain book. The greatest thing about the statement is this- it tells students that they are required to teach evolution, and will be standardly tested on evolution... that means that students like me, if i'd been tested, when asked about the creation of the world- i wouldn't have picked big bang, or anything evolution related- i would have said something about creation, and likely been given a big fat F for getting it "wong". so this says to students- you don't have to believe it, but you will be tested on it, so... still please learn it, at least...