the black (from last post)

so the black from "Back (in black)"- it's the traditional mourning of black- i was here earlier than my original anticipation (the week of thanksgiving) for a reason. Sure, it will allow me to spend time with people who i know will be gone when i'd have been here for thanksgiving, sure it allows rachel and i to spend thanksgiving with her folks and familiy before we move to oregon, and still gives us time with my family and friends in maine.

but the real reason i flew up here by myself on thursday was becasue of my grandfather. He was dying and i felt the need to be here- it has been a year since i've seen he or my grandmother- he was not doing well and couldn't make it to my wedding, which i know he was not happy about. he has always loved my brothers and i, and although getting older, i remembered more of his old farmer personality traits, the last few years i have seen a total turnaround in him.

and i wanted to get here to see him- to talk to him, to share with him- to let him know that i really do love him. and i got to do that thursday. and friday morning, before i could make it over to the farm, he died. But i got those hours with him on thursday, and i got to just talk to him. in a way, i was telling him with more than words that i truly do love him.

had i driven up on thursday as some had suggested i do, and let rachel fly up here later (which she's driving up in a few days)- i would likely have not made it over. or would have been too exhausted to spend good quality time there. i would have driven all day thursday and been exhausted. I have strayed away from talking about God in things that seem to be the natural way of the world more recently- not because I don't believe God is working, but more because i was working with a man who doesn't try to see God controlling everything- that is, God, while is in control, is not manipulating every little aspect of life... But i am not there... I experienced it... I do not fall in that camp, at least, not to the extent i did, and he does...

i honestly believe that God worked in my ability to get a low fare on the plane, having a friend who was able to pick me up at the airport, and other circumstances, which could be chalked up to normal life things, to allow me to come here and be here for my grandfather. Sure, i could have made it for the viewing and service, or the graveside service, but... that would have been for me and for the family- i got to get here for gramp. because he enjoyed having me here with him. i can tell...

and now, mourning like one with hope, i am hopeful and have faith in his destiny, in his life that will no longer have cancer, heart disease, dentures and more... I am not sad, save for those of us who are left who now live without that friend, confidant, listener, and one who is wise, one who loves- we are deprived now, not he- for he is no longer privy to pain or disease. we are the ones who no longer have him... but my joy comes from a deeper source... A God who would work in the circumstances of life to bring me home at just the right time... my joy is made complete in Him, and knowing that gramp is with him, maybe even driving his little 4-wheeler around somewhere- hehe ;-)