the big Five-Oh

yup, that's right- according to blogger, this is my fiftieth post (or 50th for those of you who prefer the numerical). I kinda feel like Strong Bad must have when he did his 50th e-mail. except there is no party with mine, and no 50 e-mails to respond to. it would be cool to get 50 comments, tho...

however, that seems quite unlikely. i'm just reflecting a little now... I'm a man without a home. I am leaving where I have been for the past week and a half today- northern maine. the place where i grew up, the place I called home for more than 20 years of my life, and the place where my mom still lives, and my family still inhabits. I have dozens of friends up here, lots of people whom i could continue building solid friendships and relationships. I have a church up here that I could call home, a ministry i could be involved in, and confidants in whom i could trust and confide.

yet, it is not home for me. It's not where i belong, and thoough I may like being here, it's simply not my home.

I am on my way back down to Pennsylvania- to an area where my wife's family lives, and to an area i've lived for the past year an a half of my life. I had called it home once, but no longer. I had laid my head not more than an hour away from this place for 4 and a half years of my life, in college, and in the job hunting stage thereafter, but it was never really home. however, i have again, a church i could go to, lots of friends, people who love me, ministry i could be involved in... etc, etc.. and again, it is not home. i do not belong... i'm simply passing through, and this time it is even more evident.

I leave in a week and a half to go to Oregon. Medford, to be exact. I have been there once, have accepted a part-time job out there and rachel and I are on our way. shortly. The funny thing is, it will take a while to call this place home. I have no more friends there than I was able to meet in a weekend- mostly acquaintances at that... I have a church to be involved in, but my first experiences there will be jumping in and leading stuff. I look forward to building relationships, and look forward to making it my home, but it's hard to call it that now- not with having not yet lived there, and not been there very long...

So where is home? i don't know- i only have a place to rest my head. Rachel and I both. And not that I compare myself to Jesus, but... didn't Jesus have no place to call His home when He was here? maybe it's cuz this place, any place we may be isn't our home... We're just passing through...

maybe... but that doesn't mean we don't take care of it, or we don't care about people... it simply means that we do not become too attached to any of it... i guess it's hard for me to feel attachment to places... now it is, anyway...

the black (from last post)

so the black from "Back (in black)"- it's the traditional mourning of black- i was here earlier than my original anticipation (the week of thanksgiving) for a reason. Sure, it will allow me to spend time with people who i know will be gone when i'd have been here for thanksgiving, sure it allows rachel and i to spend thanksgiving with her folks and familiy before we move to oregon, and still gives us time with my family and friends in maine.

but the real reason i flew up here by myself on thursday was becasue of my grandfather. He was dying and i felt the need to be here- it has been a year since i've seen he or my grandmother- he was not doing well and couldn't make it to my wedding, which i know he was not happy about. he has always loved my brothers and i, and although getting older, i remembered more of his old farmer personality traits, the last few years i have seen a total turnaround in him.

and i wanted to get here to see him- to talk to him, to share with him- to let him know that i really do love him. and i got to do that thursday. and friday morning, before i could make it over to the farm, he died. But i got those hours with him on thursday, and i got to just talk to him. in a way, i was telling him with more than words that i truly do love him.

had i driven up on thursday as some had suggested i do, and let rachel fly up here later (which she's driving up in a few days)- i would likely have not made it over. or would have been too exhausted to spend good quality time there. i would have driven all day thursday and been exhausted. I have strayed away from talking about God in things that seem to be the natural way of the world more recently- not because I don't believe God is working, but more because i was working with a man who doesn't try to see God controlling everything- that is, God, while is in control, is not manipulating every little aspect of life... But i am not there... I experienced it... I do not fall in that camp, at least, not to the extent i did, and he does...

i honestly believe that God worked in my ability to get a low fare on the plane, having a friend who was able to pick me up at the airport, and other circumstances, which could be chalked up to normal life things, to allow me to come here and be here for my grandfather. Sure, i could have made it for the viewing and service, or the graveside service, but... that would have been for me and for the family- i got to get here for gramp. because he enjoyed having me here with him. i can tell...

and now, mourning like one with hope, i am hopeful and have faith in his destiny, in his life that will no longer have cancer, heart disease, dentures and more... I am not sad, save for those of us who are left who now live without that friend, confidant, listener, and one who is wise, one who loves- we are deprived now, not he- for he is no longer privy to pain or disease. we are the ones who no longer have him... but my joy comes from a deeper source... A God who would work in the circumstances of life to bring me home at just the right time... my joy is made complete in Him, and knowing that gramp is with him, maybe even driving his little 4-wheeler around somewhere- hehe ;-)

Back (in black)

I'm back... in Maine. have missed this place- and Rachel has seen (and heard) my desire to be back here for at least a little while... i may still not be called here, but enjoy the time that i get here- and it's not often enough... i'm not happy with the reason i am here earlier than expected, but... and thank you to Luke for picking me up at the airport- it was nice of him to "take time off" from work to meet me there. hehehe...

anyway- i feel good about being here, although i miss rachel dearly and can't wait for her to come... just about everything has a feeling of nostalgia to it right now- including waking up at 6 am and heading out to the hunter's breakfast... mmm... good food.

feels good to be "home" and i'm sure the time will likely not be long enough that i am here... hope to see those of you here, and hope to spend some good time with you... and i may be inspired enough to continue blogging...

say what?

I have two comments to make...

First of all- Pat Robertson- why in the world is this guy the spokesman for christianity in America? on the other hand- don't we love how the news media twists things? I'm not saying that Pat Robertson's comments about the Dover, PA school district stuff was good, but the headlines for the news just twist it. Robertson even said that "I'm not saying there's going to be any disaster, but if there is..." and then went on. But the headlines- "Robertson warns Dover, PA of God's wrath"- say what? He said don't call on God when you're in trouble, he didn't say God's gonna give you all the trouble you can handle!!! but then again, i mentioned i don't agree with him, either- the God i serve- He's not vindictive! He may have been "voted out" as though life were an episode of survivor and God was one of the contestants with us, but... (by the way- i think they should try to vote out the host of the show sometime- wouldn't that be a great twist?) God is not now going to be spiteful and say "I hate you, will never help you and have fun in h-e-double hockey sticks (because God never swears)". so i'm very unhappy about both sides on this...

now on the sides of the idiots who want to stir controversy. I read the 4 paragraph statement that is read about intelligent design. and one of the paragraphs is only a sentence. I actually don't think there's anything not politically correct about it. Because it says plainly that evolution is not the only accepted view (which liberals should love because saying evolution is the only correct view is narrow minded and judgemental of those who believe otherwise- a big no no), but does not say God created everything. it states that there is another view, known as intelligent design- and you can find out more about it by reading a certain book. The greatest thing about the statement is this- it tells students that they are required to teach evolution, and will be standardly tested on evolution... that means that students like me, if i'd been tested, when asked about the creation of the world- i wouldn't have picked big bang, or anything evolution related- i would have said something about creation, and likely been given a big fat F for getting it "wong". so this says to students- you don't have to believe it, but you will be tested on it, so... still please learn it, at least...

life...

So, I've thought a little about this tonight- in large part because of having just finished watching 7th heaven- and I've come to this conclusion. We, as Christians, are too critical of the wrong things and not enough of the things we should be. Case in point- 7th heaven. This show is a "good" show, Christians love it because he's a minister, because it's a family trying to live by faith...

But I cannot stand it from that stand point. becasue it feeds us half-truths. Just tonight, Eric (the father, minister, snooper, sticker of his nose where it doesn't belong) said something to his daughter (who is now his associate pastor) about how we need to trust in life to work itself out- or something like that. Then she says, yes, I guess i need to trust in a higher power... etc, etc- doesn't matter what she said because they both just missed the opportunity to teach truth. But I don't supose that's their desire.

We should be more ashamed of this, or "touched by an angel"'s consister "God loves you" and nothing else beyond it. This should bother us more because they are shows with partial truth, but they fall short of the goal. A show about gays shouldn't bother us- because it has no guise or pretense to it- it is what it is. it's not supposed to be Chrisitian.

Take this to life- we get more bothered by the non-Christians who sin than we do by Christians who only go half-way in their faith. Although God hates sin, we cannot expect someone without faith to be "moral". We shouldn't expect it- and we shouldn't expect them to do anything to come to Christ. But our Christian friends who only go half-way are ok because at least they're in church, right? or at least they look ok, right?

it's time those of faith really live it, and no judgement on those who don't claim it. Can a sick person heal himself? no! Should a person who has the cure leave it on the shelf? no again!

Pray for me

In case you can't tell, i'm struggling. I've been struggling, wresting with a few things. Not the least of which is what is Rachel's and my next step. But, I trust God is good. yes, I truly do trust that. Because good isn't always my definition, but God is good. and He asks that I trust in that, even when sometimes it appears otherwise.

No, what i'm really wrestling with here is people. I'm really struggling with a leadership team that VERY quickly tells a church that giving must increase or they will be forced to cut staff. I struggled hard with them deciding only one week later to cut me as staff. I know that even with myself and the other expendible staff person gone, they may not come even. But they did not cut her position then. She had been the most recent addition, and she was paid less than I. People assumed that she would be the first to go. But they were wrong, and I could have told them that. But no one thought to inform them that my job was going to be first on the chopping block.

I struggle with the fact that it has been two months since I was cut and she is still working away there, even though my last month there, the church broke even and since i've been gone, they've come out losing. Weekly. I do not doubt the honesty of the reason for my dismissal being funds. But I do believe that there was something else that either consciously, or subconsciously affected their decision.

I struggle with the fact that the leadership claimed this was in the best interest of the church, yet, the only positive that can be found is in the finances, which are still struggling. It is not beneficial to the church to have volunteers leading the three ministries I did. It is not beneficial to the teens to have ANOTHER leader to have to try to get to know and trust- especially since some will not try. It is not beneficial for the church to have people in the church mistrusting the leadership team and telling others that they think that the church was not honest or right in cutting me. It is not beneficial for the sheep, when they are in disarray, to lose one of their shepherds. It is not beneficial to the church that one of the volunteer leaders to fill my place is part of what many felt was the problem in the young adult ministry. And it's not beneficial that he is now leading an exclusive small group for few while the rest of the young adults are unable to be a part, and have nothing offered for them. See, small groups only work if you have them for any who want to be a part.

I struggle. I wrestle. I struggled every time i saw a member of the leadership team to not feel betrayed by them, who claimed to be behind me. I struggle even now to not feel betrayed by them. I struggle with the fact that they claimed to be on my side, they claimed to back me, but when push came to shove, twice they unanimously canned me.

I struggle with the fact that they make decisions for the whole church, but I do not think they're too connected to the people. The two young adults on the team are part of the "old crew" that new people feel on the outside of. The other man on the team has a family, but has not been involved in church life much. His connection was that his son was in the youth group. And the woman, although I believe she's truly tuned to God and is a very Godly woman, also was not too connected to some people in the church. yet, they make decisions for the good of the church. I struggle with the fact that I believe, had they been better connected to people in the church, that I believe they would have realized that downsizing me was only going to positively affect the finances, but was going to negatively affect much more. And I struggle with trying to keep a high view of the church at this point in time. I do, and I wish the best for them.

I struggle not to get bitter, although I can say that I do not feel bitter (these feelings are not resentment, or bitterness- they are my observation. I do feel betrayed maybe, but i'm not bitter about losing my job because i would not take it back if they offered it to me). I struggle, mostly, with what the next step is. They may have felt that I could find something easily. I haven't. They may have felt it would not be long- it's been too long. They may have felt that there would be no problem with me pursuing my calling beyond New Hope. But I have had problems... And this causes me to struggle. I was ready to leave because it was obvious that the leadership didn't want me there, but I wasn't ready to leave the people, who made me feel even more that they were not happy with my leaving. And I struggle because I cannot help but feel that their decision was wrong...

But mostly, I struggle with how do i fulfill my calling when i'm not even where I feel I'm called to be. Pray for me... I do not hold resentment toward my former leadership team, although I feel they were in error in their thinking. But I do struggle for the life of the church. And I struggle to know what the next step is.

maybe it's time for me to stop struggling and wrestling... maybe it's time for me to let go... maybe it's time...

Called

I am in a precarious place. I feel called. But I am not there. I feel a definite call to ministry- a desire to be a servant of the servants of Christ. My heart and my life have been dedicated and consecrated to serving God's purposes. And more specifically, I feel called to lead teenagers. Lead them to Christ, be there for them, be involved in their lives, and ultimately, see the gospel ring true in their lives. I feel compelled to use music and worship as a part of this, and yet know that some teens just aren't ready for that. But I must do what I am called to do.

But I am not doing that right now. I am searching, hard, to find the next step- since my first ministry position was cut short. It was a hard goodbye, and many people still do not feel the leadership did right by the people in the church. But that's neither here nor there. What is reality is that were i offered my old job back, I would say not. I am without a job- meaning that my passion and what my livelihood are unfulfilled. I am a man who is being dragged down because he is unable to fulfill His God-given calling. This is not due to a lack of looking, it is due to the fact that no one has felt led by the Spirit to offer me the position they have open. In all fairness, most of them have not offered me anything, even a simple acknowledgement of recieving my resume. But those who have talked with me have said no, or nothing at all. But, again, in fairness, some of the churches that have said no I have not felt as good about, anyway.

But I digress. I feel called, and yet... I am not there. However, I am here. And where I am is not where I feel called to. I'm living in lancaster county, a nice place, a nice area. But I have nothing here. Family of my wife, and a community- no- family, that I can no longer call my own. I've been, at the request of the "parents" of that family, disowned. Not that I can blame them- they are moving into volunteer leaders to fill my position, and they do not want other vying with me for loyalty. I did have a number of people who would support me even now. I do not need to make it harder on the volunteers. But I still feel like a man who has been asked to leave his family. I can still talk with some of them, but our weekly family gatherings are off-limits to me. This place can no longer be called my home. And by this place, I mean this area where I have nothing except my wife.

It is interesting- I was talking with Luke the other day and he is also leaving his position. Feeling similar things- hurts for the teenagers he leave behind, desire for community, etc... And he told me that he is still called to Presque Isle, Maine. Different calling... He is in the place he feels called to, he just needs to figure out what his role is now. I, on the other hand, feel called to the role, but have no idea what the place...

Who is right? or is there right? And whose position do you not envy? personally, i feel like i'm in the tougher place... But I suppose he may disagree...

Calling- strange... Do we ever feel "uncalled"?

Cyber Christian Church

I'm thinking of investing some decent money to begin a cyber youth church. Who's with me? We can buy a decent video camera to record worship and sermons, open a paypal account for online giving, and spend a relatively small amount of money on a website with the bandwidth capabilities for us to stream video on sundays. I can lead worship, and preach. We can post the lyrics for the planned songs each week on the website, and link to biblegateway so that people can view the bible verses if they dont' have a bible. We can have an "offering" time each week, if peopel want to do their giving so that it's a "proper" offering, and our annoucements would be almost nill! And even if I'm on vacation, I could pre-record everything and set it to play during the normal sunday morning time.

What do you think? We talk about using technology to further the gospel (not as a substitute, but as an aid). Does this make sense to you?

For some reason, I'm guessing anyone reading this might feel a little uncomfortable calling Cyber Christian Fellowship their home church. For one reason or another, most of us would shy away from this idea. Many because it's not traditional, many because it's a foreign idea, and even the most technological of people might have a hard time, although putting a finger on what the problem is might be tough.

Well, I have a problem with it, too. Tradition? Not so much- tradition is not so high that it is above reproach. The history of the Church has been filled with "bucking" tradition- and protestants are a direct result of one such occurence. Foreign idea? Some of the greatest ideas to be thought- some of the most life-changing teachings have been new, novel and majorly different. Love your enemy and Pray for those who persecute you? That's a foreign idea!

And I'm technological- I honestly believe that with a bit of an investment and a little bit of learning on my part, I can pull this off. But the money is not stopping me.

My problem with this idea comes down to this- Community. See, we can do the Christian thing in the privacy of our own home. It's possible to hear sermon's online, it's possible to "tithe" to places you don't attend, it's possible to get the most recent worship CDs. It IS possible to get everything you get at church some other place besides church. Except for one thing. Community.

You see, there are instructions, specific instructions in the Bible such as "Do not neglect meeting together" or "where two or three are gathered, there I am" that tell us that there is something about gathering with other believers. There's something intricately tied with the idea of Christianity, worhsip and our faith that has to do with gathering. It is not simply enough to have a "personal" relationship with Jesus. We must have a community relationship as well. Our individual, "modernistic" society has herarlded compartmentalization of our lives, it has heralded self-reliance and self-dependence.

But these are not the way of the true Gospel. Lots of "modernism" does not jive with Christianity, but we're unable to see it. This idea of community is the same. Christianity was begun in a pre(post)- Christian culture in which not everyone grew up knowing the gospel and being in church. We are quickly becoming the same type of world, and because there are so many who have not heard, who do not know, and who do not reflect those morals, community is so much more important. It is in communities that we find the strength to stand for our convictions. It is in our communities that we are able to explore our beliefs and have a safe-haven to come to conclusions that are faithful to the scriptures and our experience. It is in community that we can find and accept healthy tensions that normally would make us uneasy. And it is in this community that we can accept and love those who do not know Christ.

I was talking with my sister-in-law the other day about this. I was mentioning how Rachel and I are not looking for a church around here to call our home, and thus are not feeling comfortable going to many different churches. We would be looking for the same feeling of family/community we had before, if we were to look for a new church to call home around here. But because we're not looking, we're not experiencing that community. Even when we did go to church, that community eluded us because our expectation is not to be there a month from now, not to call that home, and not to get too connected so as not to have more relationships to say goodbye to.

The community we had before already provided us with enough heartbreak in saying goodbye to relationships. Our teenagers, my worship team, the young adults and the others whom we connected with. You can know if you've really been a part of that if it tears your heart up to say goodbye- especially when that goodbye is not voluntary.

So, in an effort not to have those relationships that hurt to say goodbye to, who's wants to be a "charter" member of my Cyber Christian Church? any hands?

ugh...

Just a story- for those of you who like stories.

Rachel's parent's are out of town for most of the rest of this weekend- visiting her grandparents' cabin in the Poconos. And the decision to make was to take the dog with them, or leave it home (among other decisions). And the dog stayed home.

Just a little filler for the story- the other day, Rachel's mom took the dog to the vet. The dog doesn't go in the car very well and so the vet gave her some tranquilizers for the dog that would help her to deal with car travel better- hopefully. And the vet said, try one before you actually take her in the car, tho.

So that's just what they did before they left today- fed gave the dog one of the pills. And it was kinda funny, because the dog, after it started to work- basically seemed drunk (rachel and I both joked about how funny it would be if the dog just kinda was standing there, then all of a sudden "ploomp"). The poor dog was probably just high and was like "what's going on here? huh?"...

That's fine, right? No problem with that. But bedtime came, and the dog, who is used to sleeping in rachel's parents' room on the floor, ended up following us upstairs. I've never seen this dog upstairs before, but... Before it came up, we'd come up- and I told rachel I didn't really want the dog up here with us. Rachel said, it's not like we'll have it in our bed, just in the room- it's used to being in a room with people at night... it's confusing to the dog, etc, etc... And although I didn't want it up here, i left the door open in case it wanted to follow us up. Well, when it got up here, the first thing rachel did was offer for it to join us in the bed...

I strongly opposed this, saying if the dog slept in the bed, i was going to sleep in the spare bed in the spare bedroom (currently used as our "living room" of sorts...) But, thankfully, the dog seemed to be not ready to join us on the bed, so we laid down a sheet on a pillow for the dog to sleep on... I was still not happy with this, but dealt with it- because the dog, unaccustomed to the upstairs here, was constantly walking around and her ID tag and such were jingling- which would definitely not let me sleep, if it didn't drive me nuts first... But the dog settled down and all seemed well...

I woke up around 3am and had to use the bathroom. So i started out the door and "squish"... no, I didn't end up in dog poop- just in a pile of dog VOMIT! UGH, gross! I get in the bathroom, wash off my foot, use the toilet, and go back to the bedroom and say "rachel, reason number 1 I didn't want the dog up here- this case" And explained to her the vomit thing... after she kinda got oriented from being woken up, she went downstairs and got the cleaner and paper towels and a bag and came upstairs and cleaned it up... And then she went down with the dog and let her out and... when rachel came back upstairs, she explained to me that the dog had not only pooped in the hallway downstairs (obviously between us coming up at night and the dog coming up), she had also diarrhea'd in the dining room (or the other way around- the big "D" in the hallway and normal poop in the dining room)...

see, I wasn't mean when i said that the dog could stay confused and be awake all night- i didn't want it in our bedroom... I was thinking sensically... i'm not actually mean to the dog, although it seems that rachel and her family think so. Just because the dog annoys me by randomly barking at me for no reason, standing there when i cut up food, or eat food and dances around like i'm going to give it any (because rahchel's dad WILL feed the dog when he's not supposed to- so the dog assumes everyone will... which is rather annoying when you're trying to eat and there's this little yapper dancing around you, your chair, wherever you are)... just because i get annoyed with it- i'm not mean to it...

I know that sedatives often times have sickening effects on humans... probably just as much for a little dog... And so, I hope that rachel's parents' think twice before taking that dog in the car after using that sedative again... and that dog has cost me some major sleepage- i would have went straight back to bed- instead, it's 4:30 am and i'm still awake now... good thing i don't have to go to church early or anything...

review of "Father, Son and Holy Guest Star"

"You can save a lot more souls with easy bake ovens than with THIS two-thousand year-old pill"- Timothy Lovejoy (Simpsons DABF02- season 13, episode 6)

I caught the simpsons this past sunday, and it was one i've already seen. But I LOVE it! not to mention how much i laughed at stuff like the saint who appeared to Father Sean before his conversion and called him a wanker and told him to "repent or sod off". There was also the priest and all the nuns who were ALL Irish for some reason, then the different afterlive's for protestants and catholics- starting with the protestants being all stuffy and the catholic heaven having hispanics cooking, italians and Irish- which ended with Marge wanting to talk to Jesus, who'd gone over to Catholic heaven and they all began riverdancing... I'm seriously thinking Catholic heaven is where I want to go- it's more lively and more fun (although try going to mass- it's so dry...)

I was also impressed with the way the priest dealt with lisa being a buddhist- he laughed and told her that lots of kids have imaginary friends.

Ok, well, on with the real meat of this... which has to do with the quote above. It seems like... Well, let me put it this way. Just because cool people are Christians doesn't mean Christianity is cool. Or just because Christians do "cool" things, that doesn't make Christianity legitimate! Case in point- they were trying to bribe Bart back to being a protestant again- they took him to a Christian teen festival- with an 80s band and paintball. Bart responded with something to the effect of "just because some old band plays the christian festival doesn't make it cool"... and then he sees the paintball and is enthralled...

it's a wonderful sequence. And I have posed for years that there are wonderful things to be learned from popular culture. And I love making connections like this. Luke blogged about this back when he was on blogger, but i don't think the post made it to his new site- but... Just because Mel Gibson is a Christian, does that make it cool? Christians seem to love to herald around their popular people- atheletes, actors, musicians, and more. It's like- we need to make our faith legitimate. Almost like- see, it must be cool cuz the '96 Green Bay Packers all go to bible study and Reggie White is a Christian... Jeff Gordon drives a car, and he's a Christian, too- that means it's great, right?

Christianity doesn't need popular people. Our faith is stronger than that! It doesn't require having cool people... And, oh yeah- just a reminder aobut the Christian past- the early church wasn't "cool" and didn't have celebrities on their side! It was a religion of the outcasts and it was hope for the hopeless... now it's like the country club- some kind of social status or symbol...

what's next, Christian video games? oh, wait... check this...

Things I don't miss

Rachel and I spent last sunday morning worshipping at the church I went to when I was in college. It was enjoyable- the worship was great, and as was almost always the case, I couldn't tell you what Dave preached about, but I thought it was good (for the most part). That was pretty common for me, for the most part. I paid attention, but if you asked me to tell you specifically what was a part of the sermon, i probably couldn't tell you. However, I always found myself relating different parts of the sermon to situations and conversations.

Anyway- I'm writing this as a reflection. You see, my church from when i was in college is a charismatic church. And although they are not as far out as some, they are certainly different than the church i worked at for the past year and a half. And I must say- some of that, i didn't miss. There were things that i have missed that I got while i was there, and a few things that i didn't miss.

Things I missed:

• People- I saw lots of friends there. There were a number of friends I saw, bunch that I talked to, and none of them have I seen recently- so it was good. And it was 2nd service, so there were less people that I normally would have hung out with- 1st service would have been packed with friends.

• Being prayed for- Fred and Pat Dupert came over to us when they saw me and they were happy to see me. They talked with us for a while, and shared with us how their son was in a similar situation to us. They prayed for us and... I miss having friends who would pray with us. I have no idea how many people actually pray for rachel and I, but I know one couple who HAS prayed for us already.

Things I didn't miss:

• Erin Barner yelling out in the service while shaking her head... And then again while she was praying with people afterward- it was... strangely familiar, relatively tame for what i'd experienced there, and still quite strange...

• the extreme keyboard focus of the music- Now, I love good piano, but... I could barely hear anything besides the drums and the keyboard. the bass was the next in the list, then... there was a second keyboard that I couldn't really hear, and wondered what he was playing anyway... A guitar player, who, last time I'd played with him, he wasn't that great, but looked better this time (it's been 2 years or more), but I couldn't hear him to save my life. And all the other insturments, not to mention the 4 background singers who couldn't be heard...

i don't really know what else..

Beach

Last weekend Rachel and I went on our first weekend away since our honeymoon in the middle of January. We went to the beach- Ocean City MD for friday night, and then we stayed at Rehoboth DE on saturday. it was a nice relaxing weekend away made possible because our landlord was able to rent our apartment out earlier than expected. Hallelujah for the little things, but I'm still really bummed about being out of work, and although i'm dedicating a good amount of time looking for a new church, it's a lot of playing the waiting game, which is... tough.

anyway- keep us in your prayers. we're living with Rachel's parents, which is good for our budget.

can you tell we got a little sun on the beach saturday morning?

lessening of posts

due to the recent circumstances of life- particularly losing my job and moving in with my in-laws until i find a new church, i am not on the interent daily at my job through high speed and/or wireless connection. Because of this, my blogging will decrease most likely until a later, unknown date. Although i could still connect through a neighbors wireless connection, i prefer not to do that as much and must do so with the laptop. and though my pc can connect through the phone line, i prefer not to tie up a phone line that is not my own... anyway. anyone who wants, feel free to e-mail me- post a response and i'll give you my e-mail addy... I will be looking at comments left, so... btw- thanks to holly sue for leaving a comment for me- it made my day... (sorta)

blessings
Reid

same ol', same ol'

I was listening to a 'new' album today- it's the worship band of the church that my senior pastor's daughter goes to. It was... well, not impressive! I mean, i'm not sure that our band could put something better out, so i'm not trying to say anythign like that.. (although vicki told me that she likes the sound of our band better) I'm just saying it was unimpressive.

They've got a mix of songs on there- some songs that they wrote (or i've never heard) and a number that I have heard before. Here lies the reason for this blog. I'm tired of bands and worship groups putting out songs again that have already been done. especially if that song has already been done really well! I was listening to a song on the way home from work today and i got frustrated- because it's a butchering of a GREAT song! the way the band did the song did NO justice to the song.

This album was along those same lines. They did "Did You Fell the Mountains Tremble" and although i know some people who've never liked that song, if it was originally done the way this band did, NO ONE would ever have liked the song!!! They also did a version of "I Am Free", a song done originally by desperation. And it was almost no different- they just did a replica of the original. This was the only song that was a duplicate on there that i could stand, really.

They did a version of "Amazing Grace" that sounded more like the singer was drunk while singing. And that is the way Vicki described it to me. I wouldn't have put it that harshly. But it was not so good. And if i hadn't seen the title of it, I would never have known what song "God of Wonders" was.

These are not all the songs, but i do not want to dwell too much on this particular album. See, this is an epidemic in Christian music now. There are bands who are doing everyone else's music. And it really boils down to seemingly every band trying to get their hand in the "worship rock" pot. Bands who have no business doing worship are doing it now- because it's popular, or because... i don't know why. But why are Newsboys doing worship albums? I had a friend tell me after doing a concert at camp, trying to explain to me how it qualified as worship, that there's nothing like listening to the kids worship to the song "Breakfast". But, wait, that song is not even WORSHIP! it talks about there's no breakfast in hell?

Worship is not supposed to be a brand of music, or a fad in music, or... anything like that. Worship is our heart connecting with God's! Worship is our heart giving honor and glory to God, in all we do! Worship is living our life serving God! it's not music, or a style. it's... not at all. So when it comes to using music in worship, it's not about the sound. So i'm not trying to be picky here. But this is not just us worshipping God, when we do an album, we're trying to help others, too. and redoing a song is saying we can do it better! sometimes we can, sometimes we can't.

The big thing? using our creativity to worship God is HUGE! And these bands and groups that just redo someone else's song? just not creative... just like the bands that do the same album over and over again, and just like the movie producers who are doing remakes and unplanned sequels to movies... just like the person who copies... just like.. the uncreative one... God is creative- and He put that in us. Don't squander it, waste it, or forget it!

Flashback Friday

Last friday, Rachel and i went to the drive-in. We're quite glad to have a drive-in close, with the double features, and this year they're playing good movies.

Last weekend and all this week, they've been doing the remake movie night. It was a double feature full of "fun" with "Herbie: Fully Loaded" and then "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". I'm glad we went to see the movies at the drive-in. Because we paid less to see both of them than to see one of them in the theater. And I can't imagine paying full price to see either movie. I didn't have a huge desire to see Herbie, anyway, but...

Just a few notes about the movie. First, Lindsey Lohan. What in the world is up with this girl? I have a sneaking suspicion that this girl who used to be cute and do good movies will end up doing movies that I wouldn't ever want to see and will likely be junkie. I mean, this girl is going the way of the anorexic. The girl needs to eat, get her red hair back and realize that people liked her better before.

The movie- well, it was... not impressive. Lindsey Lohan gets Herbie, and come to find out she used to do street racing. Well, her dad used to race, as did her grandfather, and her brother stinks at it. Long story short, she gets her wish to NASCAR race, but in a 63 bug?!?! And not only that, but this bug has the potential to ride the side and go upside down? She wins and gets showered with praise, but... isn't Herbie the car? and doesn't Herbie do the driving? So, technically, she doesn't win and isn't that good...

Then, the wonderful intermission. This was the best partof the night. Cuz i always remember this friend of mine, Anthony, who loved the part in "Grease" when you see the hot dog jump into the bun. That was the greatest part of the night.

The next movie was the snooze-fest. Not only is the original movie still great, but it's not that old. I like some of the songs in that one. The Umpa-Lumpa songs were much easier to follow. The songs in this one were different styles and harder to follow becasue the music was so loud sometimes. Just in general, this movie was not as good- a bit darker. Johnny Depp was... strange at the least. and... yeah.

All in all, a disapointing weekend. Don't bother seeing either of them- unless you want to waste your money, or want to see the last lindsey lohan movie when she was "cute". I wouldn't even feel inclined to rent them, either...

What ever happend to creativity, anyway? It used to be original ideas for movies were done year after year. this summer has been remakes of old movies, or shows (see Bad News Bears, Dukes of Hazzard- which has been recomended that any fan of the show not see it- by the guy who used to play Cooter in the show) and sequels (Batman Returns, Star Wars Episode III). The sequels were pretty good, the remakes- terrible so far!

Come on, people!! forget remakes, forget doing what's already been done... do something NEW!! Even television is getting old on the reality television and such. Great Simpsons episode in which they did a reality television Show. in order to spice it up, someone suggested something he'd seen on Television the night before. When they needed to spice it up again, and they needed "new" ideas, they were instructed to get our their personal televisons! Great commentary!

also note that i use the term television instead of TV. that's cuz tv is a nickname, and nicknames are for friends, and television is nobody's friend. that's it for me...

God's Will

I've been running through some thoughts recently, and these are some things that have been in me for a while. I just was talking with one of 'my' youth last night when we went out for wings and decided that I want to get this out.

A lot of people are looking for God's will. This guy I went for wings with, other kids his age getting ready for college, people in their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond... Does this question sound familiar? "what is God's will for my life?" Sounds like a legitimate question, and it seems that we hear that very often. We want to know what God's plans are for our lives, or what God wants us to do with our lives, or any number of things relating to that.

Well, I've got some troubling news. This is the WRONG question to ask. You see, the gospel is very outward focussed, with a view that looks outside of self and looks to Christ, and to others. This question, however, is inward focussed. It asks about MY life, MY goal, MY purpose. This is not central to the Gospel. Cental to the gospel is a focus beyond ourselves.

So the question we should ask is this: "what is God's will?" and then follow up with "how does my life fit in that?" It makes a world of difference! It means that our focus is on God and what He is doing, not what "I" can do for God. Because, apart from Him, we can't do anything. It changes decisions we make from "is this God's will for my life" to "will this help me fulfill God's will?" A very LARGE change.

It helps change every little decision we make from life-changing, earth-shattering, life-and-death to not as big of a deal. Not downplaying decisions here, they can be a big deal, but if you are concerned about getting God's 1 will correct and if you miss it, you're screwed, it would be pure paranoia trying to make that decision.

The truth is that God DOES have good plans for our lives, however, sometimes it's not as specific as we may think. If there is only one thing you can do and if you miss it, you're out of God's will, there's not much of a decision to make, is there? It seems like this line of thinking will lead us down the path to predestination more than free-will. And for some people, that's fine, but i'm still under the distinct impression that we have free-will and can make our decisions. And in that, it's like God allows us to choose among a number of good potentials.

I'm not talking black and white moral issues here as much as simply decisions we make daily. Whether or not I should cheat on a test leaves the obvious answer of no, i should not. But the question of where i should go to college? or take my next job? or? that's a bit more ambiguous. Seems easier if the Bible simply said "go to Penn State" or "take the higher paying job", but it doesn't. and with good reason- God allows us to choose.

The problem with understanding God's will as 1 decision you MUST make and everything else is wrong? well, very simple. what happens when you choose wrong? Do you have to go back and try all over again? or can you simply go from there? This leads to the divorces among Christians- people who think they made a mistake in discerning God's will and so they go back and try again. that's even LESS true to God's will. *Buzz*- Wrong. try again.

You see, discerning God's will is a lot easier than trying to figure out what it is for your life. God's will is clearly spelled out in the Bible. In short, His will is: that we would be transformed to be like Jesus, that we avail ourselves in the process of making disciples, and that all shall come to repentence. That's not as hard to figure out. And finding out how you can help, wher eyou fit, and such- that's a bit easier.

God's will for YOU is that you will be involed in pursuing His will in general.

today i'm feeling...

Today I am feeling... blue. Really blue. I love how colors can be used to describe how we're feeling. And even though i would LOVE to be able to find some other fun thing to say about feeling blue that doesnt' result in me potraying myself as feeling pretty depressed, I'm just not up to it today.

Why? well- just look at my recent posts. No, not the ones about baseball or the Red Sox- although losing 3 of 4 to the yankees does stink pretty bad... But I'm talking about what's going on in my life... the whole saying goodbye thing... It's pretty sad. And I haven't really thought about it too much, but... Most of my life, I've been saying goodbye. I've had a bunch of years in the middle that were relatively free of that, but when i became a teenager, began going to summer camp- it was goodbye at the end of the week to so many people... high school meant saying goodbye to friends who were graduating, until I myself was graduating and saying goodbye to seemingly everyone else...

College meant the same goodbye's, leading up to my own goodbye's. Getting a new job meant some new hellos, but i've been here for almost 16 months and i'm saying goodbye again... and just like the move here, it's most likely resulting in saying hello to something totally new...

I miss people. I miss friends in Maine whom i rarely ever see now, but somehow have managed to keep contact with. I miss them probably the most of all right now. I miss Luke, Josh, Josh, Seth, David, and more... it's like... I don't know.

and soon I will be missing people here, too- because church=life for me. For other people, it's just a matter of sunday, or a matter of something extra, but for me, this is ALL that i have around here. I'm helped by having Rachel's family, but beyond that, I've got nothing. NOTHING! It's been my life here now, so it's not like I've got something else around here like friends outside of church, or much of anything else...

Not only that, but I feel like an outsider to some of those groups of friends now. It feels like "ok, so you have higher aspirations than being in northern maine your whole life? well then you're out of the club..." I've never actually felt some people say that to me, but... I've always felt that there was gong to be more to my life- that there was more than the rural farming community in which i grew up. I can't say that i've felt like i'm better than that, but I've always felt destined for MORE than that... and i say that with no "pride" in my voice- i simply am stating that which i've felt, but for some reason, i get the feeling that because i'm pursuing more than that, i'm an outsider now...

Beyond missing people (which mystifies me- why am I missing them today of all days?), I also and blue because of struggling with feelings of inadequacy. I mean, I'm losing my job, and although it's got nothing to do with how well I'm doing, I still feel this- i've put my heart and soul into my work. I worked hard and tried to build things- and I'm seeing results! I'm seeing fruits of my labor, relationships and such. And here I am, feeling the BEST that I've ever felt about doing my job and I'm going to be cut loose.

That's disturbing. That bothers me. It really does a number on my psyche. Because now I've got this continual nagging in my mind that I can "outperform" even my own expectations, and yet... How would that feel? well, it doesn't feel good...

Today's gonna be a rough day, i can feel it...

just in case i live in a hole

I'm preparing to watch a baseball game this afternoon- watch the Sox play the (sp)ankees. It should be a good game. i'm looking forward to it. But just in case i'm an idiot- just in case i'm stupid, or just in case i've lived in a hole the past few years...

They decided to remind me of the "recent" history between the red sox and the yankees. i mean, i understand that there are people who still don't know about all this, but they are few and far between. and beyond that, the people who don't know would have changed the channel by then.

So those of us who are sports fans, will watch the game and are interested. We already know. It's history, some of it hurtful (still can't stand Aaron "bleeping" Boone), some of it historICAL (gotta love big Papi and Schill) and some of it just dang funny (like watching the fag {g}A{y}-Rod slapping at the ball like a fairy).

Point being this- does fox think I don't live on earth? I mean, cuz we all do, and those of us watching at this point now KNOW what happened- and either love or hate some or all of it! It seems like these guys are the real "idiots", not Johnny Damon (aka Jebus).

saying goodbye (part 2)

While i've been thinking about the current transition in my life, i begin to think on other stuff... transitions of other things. What other times in life are we asked to say goodbye to something, and how do we respond. I'm going to go over a few things that i've said goodbye to and reflect on them... Some of them are permanent, some of them are not, but most of them are simply things that i cannot do at this point in my life, but God may well allow for that opportunity later. Here they are:

• The place I grew up:

Although i certainly would not say that i'm never going to Maine again, I can safely say that i've said goodbye to that place for now. It is not a place that Rachel and I are going to be living. Unfortunately, there are not too many opportunities in my line of work there, and most of the churches there are not somewhere that i feel i could be at this stage of the game. Although it has been a few years since i've really lived there, it is time to say goodbye. moving out of the state for college sealed that doom... The hardest part of any goodbye transition, however, remains this-

• Friendships:

there are some timeless friendships in life. the friend whom you've known seemingly forever, and there is nothing that will ever keep you from being friends. That is not the norm, however. There are not many peopel that are going to be in your life, all your life. Sure, the emergence of quick communication like e-mail and IM have allowed us to keep better contact with those whom we'd probably not keep contact with otherwise, but eventually, e-mailing back and forth and IMing die.

And you're left with those few people whom you'll be closely connected to forever. And that's fine... For me, it's time to say goodbye to some of those friendships. Some have been gone for a while, and some i thought would be around forever, but- aparently not. Some are girls who've gotten married, and rather than make their husbands jealous, (or my wife), or make their lives confusing (or mine)- time to say goodbye. Some are friends whom i've been friends with for years, thought we'd be friends forever- thought we'd be in each other's weddings, best men, etc... Well, anyway- there are some more to say goodbye to... I've said goodbye to some friendships over the years- deleting IM names and e-mail addresses, forgetting about people and then only to be reminded of them later... But point being, i guess it's time to say goodbye to some of those, now, too- and some of those are right along with my first goodbye.

• My Band

Although I've not been officially kicked out of Seth's Mom, and I will always be one of the original members, me not getting to maine very often will keep my involvement to a minimum. I'm sure that they're playing at Nomacca this summer- and i'm sure they sound better than they've sounded before... It's funny for me, too, because i've always had that desire to be in a band. I've had the musical talent, and i felt gyped by some of my closer friends in high school when the formed a band and left me out. And i was so mad at them for a while, but, now, being in a band is something that matters very little to me... it's funny, tho, because it's only the band- the guys in the band, i'm not planning on saying goodbye to for a while...

• My childhood experiences

There are a number of places that were influential to me in my younger years, in my teenager years in particular. Namely camps. Nomacca and Riverside. I have not been to either of them for years, and the last time i was there, I felt disconnected in some ways because i did not know as many of the kids... I had been away at college, so i didn't know as many of them, but... I'm not saying i'll never be there again, but these camps are local camps, and so i'll leave those jobs to more consistent people than myself- because many of the same kids come year after year, and many of the counselors and other jobs are filled with people who at least somewhat know the kids...

This is one of the harder things to say goodbye to for me because of how big a place these camps have in my heart. The friendships built there, the fun times, the- everything, from being on staff to being a camper to doing retreats and making fun of canadians (and being friends with a few- and my friend James fell in love with one)... And i love about camp that you can still be young... maybe camp will be in my future again sometime, but for now... guess it's goodbye, huh?

Well, i'm not sure if i'm through or not, but those are a few things i've reflected on having said goodbye to... And now i want to add this- i know a lot of people who do not willingly say goodbye. They want to hang on to something for as long as they can, and kick and scream when it's time to let go. Sometimes it's easy to see when to say goodbye, and sometimes it's not- and that's more often when people don't let go- when they can't see it's time to say goodbye...

at the risk of using something from pop-culture (hehe), i like this take on it. this quote won't be accurate, but think of death and saying goodbye in the same terms... "be careful of attachments. Fear of death for someone close to you will lead you down the wrong path. Death is a part of life. Celebrate with those who pass on (or those you say goodbye to). Grieve them not. Mourn them not."- Yoda. the wisest of the wise. just watch what happens when you try to hang on too long- you end up like anakin, a whiny, sniveling little brat who betrays everyone that is current and good in his life to hang on to something that he must let go of... don't go down the road to the dark side... don't do the darth vader thing...

saying goodbye

This, in some ways, is a follow up to one of my first blogs. This is not the end for me, however, it is time to say goodbye.

Slightly under a week ago, the leadership team of my church met and made the hard decision that due to losing a significant portion of our weekly income (due to families leaving the church), I will have a job here only through the end of this month. My last day is August 1, for insurance purposes, and then i'm cut loose.

I guess i feel the need to reflect a few things. First, it's not my choice, so it's certainly a lot tougher than it would be had i been making the decision. I also think back to about 5 months ago, when i was fired, then given my last chance- for not living up to the expectations i had. I also, at that point, was accused of not having many people on my side.

I realize now that it would have been easier to leave then. Because, even though I know i had people on my side then, i have so many more now. It will be difficult because i know of one familiy that will likely leave the church because of this- simply because the sons have become close to me and the mom makes the decision of where to go to church based on her sons connection to people and the youth pastor there. Now that I have spent the past 5 months solidifying some of these relationships that were started before my first canning, well...

It's funny- it is talked about how lancaster county is very hard to break into- because of the mentality that those who were not born here are not from around here... well, people around here are making me feel more now than ever like i had broken in... some of them, anyway- i still feel as though some have never and will never accept me... But it's a tough spot to be in, regardless... and I will cherish this place and these people.

Some people will have a problem with this- as many have ALREADY expressed to me. And the reason for this is purely financial, but... what if a good friend of mine, whom the church has never seen a penny from, expressed that she thinks that this is wrong. what do i do then? I feel as though i shoudl point out to her that if the church was taking in more money, then it would be able to pay the bills, and sign paychecks as well, instead of just paying bills... I would love to point out to her that if she gave, it may be avoided... but her tithe would not pay my salary, and she's only among the many who do not give...

I also find myself feeling like i'm not a person as a pastor- i'm a means to an end. expendible. the leadership decides that in the best interest of the church, they must cut my salary... well, aren't i part of the church? and what about all the people in the church who have expressed that they think this wrong, or they're mad about it- i mean, i know financially the church will be better off, but what about all the people who are extremely bothered by it? there must be more to the well being of the church than just the money, right?

it makes me feel like a piece of meat- because i'm not a person in this case- i'm part of the church, but my well-being is not assured or looked after in this decision. being expendible for the sake of the "greater good" makes you feel... so... pointless...

moreover, leaving all these relationships behind- that's going to be extremely tough. The hardest part.

But i'm ready to leave- for a couple reasons. First is that i was expecting this, even though maybe not this soon. I had been searching already, and even though i think that only 1 month of losing money because of lack of giving is not enough time to guage whether or not they'll turn it around, i'm ready to go and willing to submit to the leadership.

Secondly, i'm ready to go because if i'm looking to be at a new youth pastor job, then i'm going to want to look now- it's a better time to look in the summer- lots of churches are looking for a youth pastor to start before the school year begins...

Thirdly- i'm ready to leave lancaster county- not that it hasn't been nice here, and i don't have friends or anything- but, it's a hard county to break into... i have kinda broken in, but there are LOTS of people who still haven't and won't accept me... and so, if rachel and i move on and out of here, at this point we're saying goodbye to life around here...

Finally- I'm ready to leave because, even though i know i have supportive people on the leadership team, the bottom line is this- my job has been on the line twice with the leadership now- and they have made the decision to can me- yup, you guessed it, twice! No matter how much anyone fought for me, the decision came, down, unanimously, to firing me- both times. So, even if the money magically appeared and i were allowed to stay, i'm not going to stick around again and wait for them to decide to can me again... just not happenin'.

i'd love to stick around for the people i love here, and the people who love me- and maybe i'd stick around through the end of my lease so i don't have to pay it out without an income, or something, but... it's hard to stay a place where you know, no matter how much support you have, the leadership team will eventually be willing to can you... it's just... not a good feeling.

i don't know if the leadership considered anything besides the financial in this decision, but it's hard to believe that they did because there are so many psychological and beyond impacts of rachel and i leave that could hurt the church more than not making ends meet... but, what's done is done, que sera sera...